St. Jacobs Oil family calendar and book of health and humor for the million : 1885 : containing original humorous articles & illustrations by the leading humorists of America / the Charles A. Vogeler Company.

  • Charles A. Vogeler Company
Date:
1884
Catalogue details

Licence: Public Domain Mark

Credit: St. Jacobs Oil family calendar and book of health and humor for the million : 1885 : containing original humorous articles & illustrations by the leading humorists of America / the Charles A. Vogeler Company. Source: Wellcome Collection.

    17/34
    SQUARE RIGHTS.* ( Written for The St. Jacobs Oil Family Calendar, 1885, by Opie P. Rea.d, of the “Arkansaw Traveler,'' Little Rock, Arkansas.) The other day, during a conversation con¬ cerning the justice of Western courts, a little old man, with a wheezy voice, said: “Gentle¬ men, it is all right to criticize the courteous judge of the West, for as a rule a man criticizes most that which he knows least about. Some¬ time ago I was arraigned before a court on charge of killing a man.” “Did you kill him?” asked one of the a pftny. “Of corn- course I killed him; but hold on. I was standing on a railway platform, when a tall, fine- looking fellow came up, looked earnestly at me and thrust his hand behind him. I was always sudden in my movements, and I snatched out my pistol and shot him. Then it was discovered that the man had only reached for his hand¬ kerchief. This weighed upon me heavily for a few days, and when the brother of the deceased gentleman came around to the jail, and took a crack at me, through the bars, with a Nihilistic- looking implement, I felt as though I was not held in that high esteem befitting my character of uprightness of purpose. I was almost certain that I would be hanged; but the judge—a gentle¬ man of classical education and metaphysical reading—in a short, but pointed disquisition, made my innocence as clear, if not as roseate, as the atmosphere that in grandeur follows the sun to his setting place, and then hangs around in subdued splendor.” One of the company coughed up a frog, and the defender of Western justice continued :— “ The brother of the removed gentleman em¬ ployed able lawyers, and it seemed to me that an effort toward my discomfiture was being made. The judge—bless his modest photograph—turned to the avenger and said : If I understand this case, your brother, _ without letters of introduction or the formality of slight acquaintance, approached the defendant, and, without even exchanging the time of day, in accordance with the improved method of reckon¬ ing succession of duration, thrust his hand behind him.’ “‘Yes, your honor, thrust his hand behind him to draw his handkerchief? ’ “‘The defendant was not supposed to know whether or not your brother intended blowing his own nose or the top of the head from-* “ ‘ My brother had no pistol!' “ ‘ The defendant was not supposed to know this; and besides, your brother should know better than to approach a stranger and thrust his hand behind him. No gentleman should go around over the country blowing his nose. Is there any thing about the defendant that suggests the necessity of any one blowing his nose—his own nose, I mean? In this country, my dear sir, a man puts his hands under his coat-tails at his own risk. Society does not demand that a man shall carry a handkerchief on his hip, while everybody knows that the ham pocket is the conventional receptacle of the pistol. And again, while this subject is under discussion, let me say that your brother was a large man while the defendant is very small. A large, fine-look¬ ing man should not object to being shot at by a little inoffensive fellow. It is unnecessary for the jury to bring in a verdict. The defendant is discharged, and the court respectfully advises the brother of the deceased never to tamper with his coat-tails unless he means business.' 3) *[Copyright, 1884. The Charles A. Vogeler Co.] My first is what you're doing now, My second is procured from stone; Before my whole you often stand, But mostly when you are alone. (.Looking-glass.) Reverend W. L. Pope, D. D., San Pedro, Department Sta. Barbara, Republic Honduras, Central America, says, from personal experience he endorses the virtues of St. Jacobs Oil, and recommends it to others. Why is a newspaper like a tooth-brush? Be¬ cause every one should have one of his own, and not be borrowing his neighbors. A VOSCE FROM GREAT BR3TAIN. Mr. John Thompson, 58 Hanover Street, Liv¬ erpool, England, one of the oldest and most extensive dealers in drugs in Great Britain, writing of the trade in that article, states: “ It is a great pleasure to sell a remedy which gives general satisfaction ; and our people, like their American cousins, have become convinced of the fact that St. Jacobs Oil conquers pain. The demand for it in Liverpool and vicinity was never so great as at the present and is daily in¬ creasing. The highest praise is extended to the article/' _»/6) ED.)