Studies in the psychology of sex. Vol. VII, Eonism and other supplementary studies / by Havelock Ellis.

  • Havelock Ellis
Date:
[1928], ©1928
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Licence: In copyright

Credit: Studies in the psychology of sex. Vol. VII, Eonism and other supplementary studies / by Havelock Ellis. Source: Wellcome Collection.

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    Which I proceed to do, elbowing my way, I fear. I ask for a third class ticket for —. The clerk says: “Have you your papers?” I reply: “No. I did not know they were needed.” He tells me the gentleman beside me will tell me what I must do. Then I see a man at my right who explains vaguely that I must go and see M. —, pay two francs, telegraph for my papers, etc. (I don’t recall the details clearly.) I see myself quite small, like a school girl, in a light dress, and thinking that by pretending to be innocent I may get through without all these worries; so I innocently say: “I have a passport at home,” and think to myself that I will telegraph to my servant, who is at a hotel with the children, to send it. The man is taken in by my angelic air, says, after the clerk has given me my ticket: “Come with me to see the superintendent [the word I think in English] and the matter will be arranged.” “But I shall lose my train?” “Oh, no, you have plenty of time.” So we go, I, quite small, beside him, and telling him that I have been to England several times during the war and must therefore have a passport in order. As I walk or rather run after this man who strides ahead, I drop a sixpence and then a half penny which roll on the ground. I stoop to pick them up when to my horror I find they have rolled in front of some men’s urinals, but not wishing to lose my sixpence half penny I pick the coins up quickly and awkwardly and go on. We reach at last a room, which I enter, following the man, without at first realizing that the place is full of urinals (holes in the floor covered with earthenware) and I put my foot into a pool of golden urine. I become very red and uncomfortable, and then I see that my companion is opening his trousers and preparing to urinate. I rush out and knock against a large, strong, short-skirted woman (of the “Land Girl” type), carrying a bucket, who has come to clean the urinals, and who says to me smiling broadly: “You made a mistake?” which makes me feel still more confused. But the man comes out as though he had noticed nothing amiss and we enter another room which looks at first like the other, but I soon notice that, above holes in the floor, are taps, at one of which my companion washes his hands, afterwards saying to me: “Where is my handkerchief then?” He searches his pocket in vain, then suddenly throws him¬ self on me, takes me in his strong arms, draws my head back and leaning over me seeks my lips. I struggle and exclaim: “What are you doing? I shall call out!” I see behind me a window through which is visible the station crowded with people. I repeat: “I shall call out!” and I try to do so but he plants his tongue in my mouth saying: “I know how to prevent that!” This seems horrible to me at first and I continue to struggle. He is powerful like the navvy who sometimes appears in my dreams; he holds me as in a vise, and