Studies in the psychology of sex. Vol. VII, Eonism and other supplementary studies / by Havelock Ellis.

  • Havelock Ellis
Date:
[1928], ©1928
Catalogue details

Licence: In copyright

Credit: Studies in the psychology of sex. Vol. VII, Eonism and other supplementary studies / by Havelock Ellis. Source: Wellcome Collection.

    67/564 (page 55)
    gently took my elbow, forcing my arm down inside his shirt. I sensed rather than felt his erect member and, breaking away, hur¬ ried home, utterly shocked, and washed my hands. “About this age, of course, I began to have emissions, and that, I believe, made me desirous of having an understanding with myself. “I was alarmed at my powerlessness to resist the fascination of ladies’ wear and made a most determined and constant fight against it. I now admire the spirit I showed then, but I think I was unwise. Yet every time I gave way to self-abuse my determination increased; I was constantly losing yet always fighting, with brief reactionary fits of despair after each ‘downfall.’ The result of the long fight was to stifle desire in me, making me thoughtful, moody and possibly bitter. “All this time my desire was to wear exotic girls’ underwear. [D. S. explains that by ‘exotic’ girls he means prostitutes and act¬ resses, ‘hot house plants, orchids, beautiful, costly and delicate.’] Contemplation of it in a shop window made me passionate. The first pair of corsets I bought gave me tremendous excitement. I would have sexual emissions, either through wearing girls’ under¬ wear or reading about men dressed as women, sometimes three times a week, sometimes once a month; it depended how the fight was going. “In the year 1915, at the age of 19, I joined the Army, and I thought that I could start everything fresh. But of course, while I could not get what I craved, my desire did not change. So I started new tactics. I imagined the pleasures of sexual intercourse and deliberately produced emission. The imagination of being near to intimate underwear appealed immensely, but the idea of intercourse itself left me rather cold. I had difficulty in imagining it. In the Army I took to drink and had enjoyable times with friends. All this time I was trying to make my desires ‘normal’ (which is surely not natural) but without the determination I had shown before. At intervals, after I left the Army, I bought corsets and underwear to wear on the quiet. “In 1920, through an advertisement, I got into correspondence with a young man in London who lived, as nearly as possible, as a girl. His first letter raised hopes of going to London to live with him, and the emotions thus aroused made me feel a supreme being. I’ve read of men feeling more like young gods than men under the influence of love, and that is how I felt. I don’t think I shall ever forget it. A week later, however, I had word from him that it was impossible. But the incident gave me an inkling of what my emotions could mean. It set a standard I never expect to reach again, though anything less will not fully satisfy me.