Prevention in family services : approaches to family wellness / edited by David R. Mace.
- Date:
- [1983], ©1983
Licence: Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International (CC BY-NC 4.0)
Credit: Prevention in family services : approaches to family wellness / edited by David R. Mace. Source: Wellcome Collection.
194/260 page 192
![[192] DEAL CREA TIVEL Y WITH CONFLICT Both factors have been recognized as playing a part in the process of mate selection. What is also true, of course, is that John and Mary are different in a number of respects. But that seems not to matter so much at this stage. What motivates them strongly is a feeling of wanting to be together. At this point I will introduce Diagram 15.1—The Quest for Intimacy—adapted from one I used in an earlier book (Mace and Mace, 1974). The horizontal dimension represents time, and the vertical dimension represents space. The desire of John and Mary to get close is shown by the arrows pulling them toward each other. Following the first pull of direct attraction, they agree to turn together toward the future in a continuing quest for increasing intimacy represented by the time line above the diagram. This begins in the courtship period, but should also continue into the marriage. The wedding is not shown on the diagram because it can take place at any point in the process; the couple's objective, both before and after the wedding, should remain the same so that the process is continuous. Their goal is the fullest possible intimacy that is consistent with the inviolate preservation of their separate personal identities. Marriage can never be a union of two persons although they may have temporary experiences, on both physical and interper¬ sonal levels, in which they feel truly united. Certain disturbing events occur as John and Mary move together toward increasing intimacy. Each of these events occurs in three stages, which are indicated in the time line below the diagram. Although the sequence is shown only once, it normally recurs again and again in the history of a close relationship. THE NATURE OF THE CONFLICT When John and Mary first become interested in each other, their attention is focused on what they have in common or on what is congruent in their relationship. But occasionally they become aware of the less welcome fact that they differ from each other in important respects. During the courtship period, however, those differences tend to be suppressed. Eager to seem pleasing to each other, the couple conceal or restrain any negative feelings aroused in them. Indeed, in the joyful experience of coming close, at first the differences don't seem to matter very much.](https://iiif.wellcomecollection.org/image/b18037604_0195.JP2/full/800%2C/0/default.jpg)
