Prevention in family services : approaches to family wellness / edited by David R. Mace.
- Date:
- [1983], ©1983
Licence: Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International (CC BY-NC 4.0)
Credit: Prevention in family services : approaches to family wellness / edited by David R. Mace. Source: Wellcome Collection.
200/260 page 198
![[198] DEAL CREATIVELY WITH CONFLICT use can be made of the newly available skills unless they are exercised on a daily basis. Specifically, I mean that John and Mary should make time for what I call daily sharingtime—an occasion when husband and wife can spend at least 20 minutes opening up to each other their inner thoughts, feelings, and intentions. This need not be done elaborately. Basically, it is a process of checking out so that each knows where the other is. This has the very beneficial result of making sure that any confusion or misunderstanding that develops in the relationship cannot go unreported for a longer period than 24 hours. The second important requirement for the intentional marriage (as we call it) is that any issue that threatens to be damaging to the relationship should be faced and cleared without delay. This applies particularly to the emergence of a conflict or, better still, to a disagreement that has not yet had a chance to grow into a conflict. The slogan for John and Mary should be Nothing on the back burner. Unresolved conflicts in close relationships can expand and gather to themselves a complex network of misunderstanding, of alienation, of inaccurate conclusions, and of unjust judgments. The sensible way to deal with such an emerging situation is to treat it as a crisis, which it is, and to clear the necessary time to work it through. I know well that this is hard for people with busy schedules, but I am convinced that to make time to clear up a relational crisis is to save time in the end. THE PROCESS OF NEGOTIATION Dealing with conflict, when John and Mary sit down together, confronts them with the task of negotiation—a process in which ideally every couple should receive training. Let me briefly summarize how this is done. If indeed a conflict has developed, then the anger must be processed first because in a state of anger there can be no effective negotiation. I would recommend any couple, in order to have a workable plan for dealing with anger, to make three contracts with each other: ( 1 ) I recognize that you will get angry with me from time to time, and it's okay for you to do so. But I want your assurance that when this happens you will tell me about your anger before you take any action.](https://iiif.wellcomecollection.org/image/b18037604_0201.JP2/full/800%2C/0/default.jpg)
