Prevention in family services : approaches to family wellness / edited by David R. Mace.
- Date:
- [1983], ©1983
Licence: Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International (CC BY-NC 4.0)
Credit: Prevention in family services : approaches to family wellness / edited by David R. Mace. Source: Wellcome Collection.
201/260 page 199
![Mace [199] (2) When you are angry with me, I ask you to pledge that jow will not attack me. If you do, that is likely to put me on the defensive, and I too will then become angry. We just can't afford to be both angry with each other at once. (3) When either of us is angry with the other and tells the other about it without attacking, we will both pledge to make time as soon as possible to sit down together and get behind the anger to the hurt feelings that have caused it. If it is too hot to handle at first, we will disengage and cool down before we begin to process it. Once the cause of the anger is clearly understood by both partners, the underlying disagreement can be examined and resolved by negotiation. In any such exchange, three options are possible: ( I ) Either John or Mary can go over to the side of the other and give up his or her earlier stance as a loving act of capitulation. To capitulate voluntarily as a gift of love is quite different from forced capitulation under coercion. (2) They can try to find a meeting point where a compromise can be reached, each yielding some ground to accommodate the other. This is the age-old process of bargaining. (3) They may have to settle for coexistence, an agreement to differ for the time being until there can be some change in the total situation. This can be done without bitterness if it is agreed that they will go on seeking an acceptable solution. Coexistence must be a possible option—otherwise the temptation to use power to get it settled becomes very strong. The use of power in a love relationship is always damaging, and the continuing use of power is always destructive. The procedures I have explained can be learned by any couple willing to put in the necessary time and effort. Properly applied, those skills should enable John and Mary to use each conflict that develops between them as a means of growth for their relationship. There are plenty of enlightened couples who are now doing this and reaping the rewards in richly satisfying marriages. And the same procedures can be effectively applied to other relationships within the family. The procedures explained briefly in this chapter are presented in much more detail in the book listed in the reference list.](https://iiif.wellcomecollection.org/image/b18037604_0202.JP2/full/800%2C/0/default.jpg)
